A Cup of Tea

newnewnew

2009-06-14T22:41:00.000-07:00

Summer draws closer...

2009-06-07T22:09:00.000-07:00

...and I am supposed to be studying, but I'd rather just sit here and type a useless post.
I'm not as excited for this summer as I thought I would be, just because so many people are not going to be in cupertino. But I do miss my home, my bed, all of those domestic things that we don't really get to be around in college. And my bunny :) So I'll be back Sunday night, and work and funkanometry start on monday. Ahhhh home stretch. I hate finals

It's really weird still to see 09 doing all of the end of year stuff, prom and senior gala, etc etc blah blah. Those things belong to our class, in my mind. Though I suppose that 07 probably felt the same way about us. If they're growing up, moving away from MV, then where does that leave us? At college, I know. It's just weird being phased out and knowing that one day I'll go back and not know anyone at school anymore.

Okay I want to do a little test. Look at this picture and what do you see?

Apparently, kids can't see the "intimate couple", they just see the nine dolphins (the dolphins are the darker gray part). I couldn't see the dolphins for the longest time..

Fear.

2009-05-31T13:42:00.000-07:00

So strange how everything seemed to happen at the end of the year. It seems like just when we're getting settled in and comfortable, everything is coming to an end again. But it's ok, that's how it always is. Things are always changing. This is the time of year that I start getting nostalgic for the uncertainty and excitement of the beginning. Lately I've just been hanging out, relaxing. I took this friday off, making my academic week only 3 days long. Yes! I love college. On saturday, A. and I went to K.'s choreo workshop. You can watch it on his channel here.

I'm actually really terrified of the future. But, I'm not going to let that fear inter[fear] (hahaha?) with my choices. Over the process of this year, I've become more guarded about certain things, and just about sharing myself and my life in general. Not with my close friends, but with new people that I meet. I don't think that this is a bad thing. But I've also developed a fear of getting too attached to people. We'll see how this summer goes. It will be interesting, to say the least. I'm excited for funkanometry, for my (hopefully) last summer working at cprd, and for being home in cup-town. But, I will miss sd, which has become my home thanks to the lovely people that I met. I honestly feel so blessed to have met people that I can just be myself around.

Details in the fabric- jason mraz
Bang Along- The game
The Girl- City and Color

asfsidj

2009-05-19T13:21:00.000-07:00

fuckkkk
fuck ucsd housing.
I'm going to go listen to some 808s now.

And now, I go to sleep

2009-05-18T04:02:00.001-07:00

This weekend was awesome. Getting to see everything mesh together: my friends from back home and from sd, the hard work paying off in a kick ass performance... everything just fell into place. I'm very happy, albeit very sleep deprived with a ton of unfinished homework. Thanks M., T., A., C., and of course my VN8 homies for making the weekend so fun. I love you all!

Watch us!

manana

2009-05-13T13:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday (technically today, whatever) was our last day of intense practice.. sungod is tomorrow! I'm very excited to see everyone, though it seems a bit surreal at the same time.
Look, we're on the program! Vice Number 8, 6:35 Midway Stage. It's goin' downnn
Thanks for all the good vibes, guys :)

life as of now

2009-05-12T12:32:00.001-07:00

eat sleep eat class sleep class dance eat dance sleep
repeat.
sungod is in in three days
our first performance of our (as of now incomplete) set is in two days

In A.'s words, "It's time to pray to the hip hop fairy".
At least we have our costumes... I never thought I'd buy a gold lame bandeau from AA

The difference between guys and girls

2009-05-08T11:43:00.000-07:00

I was reading a cosmo article, about clothes and dressing. The article said something like if you're trying to snag a man, dress for men. Don't dress in babydolls and flowy, cutesy things. Show off your curves, reveal a little bit blah blah blah. I was really offended by this article (though it did illuminate N.'s hate for the empire waist, hah hah). Why would I dress for the opposite gender? I'm gonna wear whatever the hell I want to wear. But then I was thinking, who do I dress for? I don't really dress for guys, but I don't really know if I "dress for myself" either, whatever that means. Because I don't dress up to sit at home. I dress to be seen.

Australian Next Top Model?

But whatever, the point is, that guys and girls have completely different taste in clothing, among other things. This is just a generalization, of course, but there are lots of high fashion type things that I find absolutely gorgeous that I think guys would find hard to understand. Maybe this is due to the sexual dimorphism in brains like I learned about in cogsci. In a study about promiscuous male voles vs. monogamous male voles, the promiscuous voles had "greater spatial ability" because they had to remember how to get back to their little vole partners. It made me think of that one ludacris song. So, boys, you guys supposedly have larger hippocampuses, and hence, better spatial ability.

I've got hoes... in different area codes.

So one day I wore this blush that my cousin gave me, and I got two very different reactions:

N., my girlfriend: That coral blush looks really pretty on you!
A.,my friend who is a guy: Why is your face so red?

How much makeup is too much? Why do some guys like that plastic, made up look so much?

Whatever, guys are dumb and girls are crazy.

Mhm.

2009-05-03T20:19:00.000-07:00

I feel good, I feel on track and happy. Everything is good, and I guess there's just not as much to say in these things when life feels right. I miss you guys though! When my wave of midterms are over, I except skype catchup time :)

Expectations are tricky things. Are they good to have as motivation for the present? Or are they just pitfalls? Imagining a reality that you want in your life, it's no bad thing, I suppose. I'm just going to ride this wave of expectation, surf it till it plays itself out.

"Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia... You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you'll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present."
-John Greene, Looking for Alaska

YAY!

2009-04-30T14:06:00.000-07:00

DEATHCAB WAS SO GOOD LIVE!
When they played I will follow you into the dark I WAS SO HAPPY.
and now I'm in that post concert mood where you can't stop listening to the artist, haha

also, I thoroughly enjoyed meher and chery's little debate on my status. I know it's a little bit morbid, but for some reason that song is just one big AWW. Like A. said, it's about devotion. I don't know if I believe in that kind of devotion. I hope I do.

My posts have been rather short lately, so let me put a picture up to fill up the space haha.

oh ben. have my babies.

Dreams, dreams.

2009-04-28T11:52:00.000-07:00

I took the day off today, and didn't go to math discussion or cogs lecture. I set the alarms, woke up, but just decided it wasn't worth it. Ahhh, mini weekend.

So when I fell back asleep, I had a bad dream. I had the dream that I've had many times before, just in different forms. In my recurring dream, I come home to find that everything is different-either my parents have moved houses (and deny it or claim that it's better), or something about my old house has changed so much that it's unrecognizable. I hate these dreams. They always leave me unsettled.

Damn you universe, don't punish me for not going to class.

right round, right round

2009-04-19T01:59:00.000-07:00

I'm beginning to really feel like I belong at sd, mostly thanks to dance. I've never been a part of a team before, and I like the feeling of cohesiveness and purpose that it gives. It's weird, but I feel closer to the people I dance with (that I've known for about a month) than my suitemates that I've known since first quarter.

Anywayyyy I don't want to write too much in this thing, because I'd rather mail you guys or talk to your sweet voices. But I miss you all very very much, as usual.

Busy bee.

2009-04-08T18:20:00.000-07:00

my astronomy textbook on acceleration:
when the elevator moves at a constant velocity...
...your weight is normal

when the elevator accelerates upwards...
... you are heavier

when the elevator accelerates downward...
... you are lighter

If the cable breaks so that you are in free-fall...
...you are weightless.

I'll be sure to remember that lesson in acceleration if ever the cable snaps while I'm in the elevator...

Whenever I don't talk to someone for a long time, I feel like they forget my name. So when the people that I met/briefly hung out with during first quarter pass by me, I always feel awkward. I feel obligated to say hi, but I don't out of fear that they will not remember me. But it's nice when people prove you wrong.

My first performance for VN8 (my hiphop thing) is tomorrow! I'm excited! And kind of scared. You know when you practice something so much that you don't know if it's good anymore? It's ok, adrenaline will get me through. I think arjun wrote something about this once. Ah, good old adrenaline.

Speaking of adrenaline, I wish I had some right now. I just slammed the bathroom door on my finger. Internal bleeding, why?

Hip hop routine: flailing floor version.

2009-04-05T23:39:00.000-07:00

I feel like I have things I want to say, about friends and spring break and the end of the first week of the last quarter of my first year but...I just don't know what they are. But basically, I miss you guys.

Dancing has been taking up a lot of time lately, and I've just been going to class, hip-hopping, coming back and collapsing on my bed and watching 30 rock. Oh, and eating, lots and lots of eating. I recently discovered the wonder of laptops. They are so damn portable! Watching tv shows in bed is the best invention since sliced bread.

"Love of mine, someday you will die. And I'll be close behind. Follow you into the dark"
-Death cab

I always really loved that song. I think it's sweet, not morbid

2009-03-27T13:11:00.001-07:00

home is about as perfect as anything on this world can be.

Almost there!

2009-03-16T23:22:00.000-07:00

Right after I got out of my math final, I heard this girl say to her friend
"YES We're like ONE SIXTH of the way done with college!" Scary thought..

Lately, I've been keeping busy with studying and not studying and dancing. We're performing at Mandeville theatre in april and maybe sungod?! So, if you guys come visit me for sungod, maybe you get to watch me dance :D Oh, and gospel choir, check us out! See if you can find me. If you hear someone laughing, that's A.

The new facebook is not that big of a deal; I think the only thing that bothers people is that it's different. People have problem with change... the only thing that bothers me is that it seems like all the social networking sites are just stealing from each other and losing the things that make them original. Xanga became more like facebook, facebook became more like myspace, now facebook is more like twitter. Strange.

I always really really want something when I can't have it. The more I know I can't have it, even if I don't want it, even if I KNOW I don't want it, I want it. What a paradox. That doesn't even make sense. It's stupid, I know, so I'm going to try to stop.

I recently read the Book Thief. It was really interestingly written, from a unique point of view and with a unique format. It's a story about a German girl living during the holocaust, but from Death's point of view.

Ok, ending this random post. Ahhh spring break is so close..

Religious Holidays and IQ

2009-03-11T21:15:00.000-07:00

I'm wearing heels as I type this. Yeah, I love doing homework all dressed up. I feel like it makes me more efficient. Of course, I am typing this blog instead of doing homework soo.

But anyway, to the main point. A. lent me Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris, who by the way, I just connected to Amy Sedaris. I read it in about two days cause it was freaking hilarious. It literally had me giggling uncontrollably as I lay in my bed with my paper lantern on, roommates above me. The book is anecdotal, telling stories about the author's life (moving to Paris, family, love life, drugs) that, under the influence of any other writer could be terribly boring and/or cliche, but under David Sedaris's touch is just literally laugh out loud.

________________________________________

My favorite part: Sedaris and his French class in Paris attempt to describe Easter to a Moroccan student in their broken French:
"...'a party for the little boy of God who call his self Jesus'...
'He nice, the Jesus...
'He make the good things, and on the Easter we be sad because somebody makes him dead today'...
Faced with the challenge of explaining the cornerstone of Christianity, we did what any self-respecting group of people might do. We talked about food instead.
'Easter is a party for to eat of the lamb'...'One too may eat of the chocolate'"

"Nothing we said was of any help to the Moroccan student. A dead man with long hair supposedly living with her father, a leg of lamb served with palm fronds and chocolate; equally confused and disgusted, she shrugged her massive shoulders and turned her attention back to the comic book she kept hidden beneath her binder."

________________________________________

So there was this part, when he describes his childhood:

"As a child I'd always harbored a sneaking suspicion that I might be a genius. The theory was completely my own, coroborated by no one, but so what? Being misunderstood was all part of the package"(241)

It's funny, because I think that I, also, have been laboring under this misconception for much of my childhood/teenaged life. I tend to exert minimal effort, in the unspoken belief that my enormous intellect, though yet to reveal itself, will pick up the slack. When I was little, I somehow thought that I would become some sort of prodigy. For what? I didn't know. With any training? Certainly not. I just expected a resevoir of talent to magically spring forth. I'm beginning to realize though, that I cannot expect to get anywhere without trying. That's my main goal right now. TRY!

Cleanliness

2009-03-08T22:07:00.000-07:00

College really makes us unhygienic. and lazy

Exhibit A.:
I get off my chair, accidentally stepping on an upside down Hello Kitty band-aid. Thankfully, it's clean-not crusty or bloody. I hand it to A.(she is the only one out of us three that has a thing for hello kitty). She says "Oh, thanks!" and proceeds to re-stick it onto her blister. Only after I give her a "look" does she grudgingly throw it away and get a clean one.

Exhibit B.:
Oftentimes, I'm too lazy to get up off my butt. So, after I use my bowl/cup, instead of bringing it to the sink to clean it, I'll sit at my desk and wipe it down with a stolen paper napkin and water. Who needs soap and hot water? If it looks clean, I say, it IS clean.

Exhibit C.:
A., T., and I have hip hop class. Up till this weekend, only T. had any type of exercise pant; You see, A. and I simply don't "do" sweatpants. So we borrow T.'s sweatpants. The thing is, we don't do laundry that much; so instead of washing the pants, we just switch them so that it SEEMS like we wash them. It's the illusion of laundry, without the actual tedious process.

College also makes you procrastinate. I'm going to go work on my paper now.

Come here-J. Holiday
Cue the Sun-Daphne loves Derby
Don't Break my Heart- B.o.B.

oh rry.

2009-03-07T13:34:00.000-08:00

Researching for my paper about U.S. representation of Muslim women, I came across this.

In this article, Daniel Pipes, self-proclaimed expert on modern Middle East relations (he has a PhD in MEDIEVAL Islamic history) compares Islamics to rapists and argues the necessity of "threat profiling", which essentially is discrimination among the Muslim-American population.

An excerpt from the article discussing Malkin's POV, which Daniel Pipes vehemently agrees with:

"...especially in time of war, governments should take into account nationality, ethnicity, and religious affiliation in their homeland security policies and engage in...'threat profiling.' These steps may entail bothersome or offensive measures but, [Malkin] argues, they are preferable to 'being incinerated at your office desk by a flaming hijacked plane.'"

Pipes essentially argues that the Japanese Interment was a justified action, and we should apply similar measures against Muslims living in America. Such blatant discrimination disguised as scholarly work. So offensive and shocking..

can't get you out of my mind

2009-03-06T23:51:00.001-08:00

I can't stop thinking about you
all the time
in class
in the car
before I fall asleep
listening to songs that don't even relate to you...

...Hip hop dancing is my new crush.
A. and I were talking about how we can't stop thinking about dancing. We just want to practice all the time, and when we listen to songs we just listen to the beat and think about ways to dance to it. I really love it; it gives me a fresh purpose in my day-to-day. Realistically, we will never be, say, ABDC level. But it doesn't really matter. We love it all the same.

Late night adventures are the best kind

2009-03-05T01:30:00.000-08:00

N. came up behind me as I was sitting (vegetating) at my laptop like I usually do, multiple tabs open on firefox, thinking about the multitude of things that I had yet to finish. Essay, math, readings.

"Hey, wanna go to the cliffs?" She said she had things on her mind, and she wanted to go sit, contemplate, wait for a sign from God. We could sit on opposite sides of the cliffs, she said, and we could think about our lives.

So, I went. At about 1 am, mind, but hey, what's life without a little adventure? Walking through the darkened neighborhood, hedges and houses looming on either side of us, we headed to the cliffs.

One hopped fence, one muddied Pocahontas boot, and a couple mistaken turns later, we found ourselves sitting at the cliffs. I sat, my knees drawn up close to me on a flat rock and N. sat down below on a ledge, silhouetted against downtown La Jolla. I looked out at the vast greyness of the sea ahead of me, the lights of the city to my left, and the pattern of clouds and stars spread out above me.

As I stared out at the skyline, at the portion of ocean water illuminated by an opening of the clouds that let the moonlight shine through, I thought about cliches. I thought about life and I thought about death. I thought about meanings and endings, beginnings and continuations. The vastness of the ocean, of the world, and our small parts in the fabric of it all. I contemplated everything that had led me up to that point, to be sitting on a roughened rock on a cliff, thinking about life and hoping I had made the right decisions, whatever those may be.

I got tired of the greys of the horizon and plopped my head down, looking at the sky above. The clouds loomed, the cottony softness seemed to be getting closer, and I couldn't see the patches of stars anymore. N. got up from below, and sat down next to me.

"I think I just felt a drop" she said. I agreed, and said maybe we should leave. As we got up, the clouds started their assault. FML! we screamed, and raaaaan our contemplative little butts back up the sandy trail, over the fence, through the neighborhood and back to our cozy rooms on the third floor.

Wow.

2009-03-02T15:05:00.000-08:00

WOW.
I'm.
so.
pissed.
SO DONE with this idiocy.

also, thanks c. for talking me through this I LOVE YOU

>>These sites are cool, check them out!
Stuff White People Like
The Scribble Project

I found both sites through my favorite blogger, galadarling. You should check her out too! Her site is awesome :)

>> I got a twitter! So add me, crystalshei

wtf??

2009-02-28T01:36:00.001-08:00

Maybe it's some dietary thing, some strange moon phase, I don't really know. But lately, I feel like all the boys in and around my life have gone CRAZY. I'm not going to go into details, because most of it does not involve me. But there's been so much drama and so much idiotic behavior...

I'm just tired of it. Why can't the boys grow a pair, and own up to the decisions they make. Why can't they just treat girls the way that we deserve to be treated?

Whatever.. I'm over it: all the stupidity and the games. This is my pact to myself to not change my behavior for a guy. They can take me the way I am or they can get out of my life.

Also... I'm trying to decide what to do with my life. The things that I actually, genuinely, have a passion for are things that seem sort of unreasonable to pursue. Fashion? Photography? Food? Success, at least in the conventional terms, seems hard to find in these fields. I hope that I'll find some way to do what I love and still make a living.

Anyway, that's my update on life. It's currently 1:42 am. I'm going to Huntington Beach tomorrow to stay with A.! I'm so excited to get away from the stress and studying and just relax, eat good food, go shopping, enjoy the scenery... :)

Let go.

2009-02-25T12:24:00.001-08:00

Facebook and I are taking a break right now.
We're dating other websites, talking to other people..
haha one and a half weeks
I can do it!

nails on chalkboard

2009-02-23T12:01:00.000-08:00

I really hate that squeaky squeaky sound that low quality lead makes when used in low quality mechanical pencils.
I can't hear it; it drives me nuts.
ackkkkk.

ALSO, OSCAR DRESSES!

Clare Danes looks like she's going to her grandma's tea party. Really, to the oscars? Some weird nude-colored cap sleeve dress with a bias cut lace tablecloth???
Jessica's Alba hair was sooooo blah. I really don't understand the obsession with her
I loved Marion Cotillard's christian dior gown though, SO FABULOUS. The layers of dark tulle with electric blue accents. YUM.
Disliked Queen Latifah's dress. Black is so yawn, and with the little rhinestones or whatever? Very piano recital. And I didn't really appreciate the top curved part of her dress either. It was sort of reminiscent of a batman mask.
Sharon Stone-wtf? that it all.
I think that Tilda Stone always looks like a bit of an alien, but in a fashionable way. It's something about the expression on her face..
Beyonce's dress looked kind of like an asian decorative screen. A fierce decorative screen though, cause she's a diva
MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE: Marisa Tomei in Versace. Goddamn. The pleating, the dramatic train, the pearlescent satin, the one shoulder. I'm in love.

YAY it's sunday

2009-02-22T14:25:00.000-08:00

My dorm relations are interesting. The girls of my suite and the guys on the floor don't really hang out too often. I think it's because we're so different. The guys don't really like going out at all, anddd we do. So my floor isn't this huge tight group. I have a couple friends from each suite that I hang out with, and then my room is super tight.

I don't know. It's good and it's bad. My dorm experience has a LOT less drama than anyone else that I know, but I think I got to know less people. But then again, the friends that I did make I'm pretty close to.

I think I'm part of VSA hiphop crew now, haha. This should be interesting; I will keep you all updated on my dancer progress.

to do:
laundry, first subtopic, pick classes, send my address to n., study cogs.
gogo productivity!

P.S. shoutout to the third c.s. and anyone else reading this blog that I do not know about :) !

technologyy

2009-02-19T13:40:00.000-08:00

I have a love hate relationship with technology

On one hand, there's countless benefits-I don't need to go through them; everyone who uses technology is perfectly aware of all the good that can come from it.

On the other hand, I feel like there is something about technology that is so impersonal, so passive. People are always texting, always im-ing that there's this virtual world that exists apart from the physical. There is a complete set of social rules for that virtual world, and even different personalitites that can exist in within it. And the passivity of it-the ability to form a conception about someone based on, say, their facebook photos. A person is more than a series of snapshots. But, and I've done this too, browsing through someone's photos tends to form a representation. Through repetition of that representation, you tend to form a very defined idea of who that person is.

It's just so easy to facebook stalk people though, especially people that Idon't like. There's a sort of vindictive pleasure Iget from seeing stupid pictures of them doing stupid things, or seeing stupid things that they write on other people's walls. But, in the end, it doesn't really do anything for me-it's just a waste of time.

So this is my reminder to myself, really, to once again STOP WASTING TIME STALKING PEOPLE I DON'T LIKE. the end.

stop that.

Also, look at this!

okok. okok.

2009-02-19T10:28:00.000-08:00

Friendship is quite important to me, so if confuses me when other people don't uphold the same standards for me that I would them. I thought better of you.

Don't worry, I'm not being emo. I just don't quite know how to react.

wow this is really fun.

2009-02-16T19:16:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty good at eyeballing, yeah.
I think it's a result of years of laziness and years of craft-making

PLAY ME!

You don't know what you got till it's gone?

2009-02-10T12:59:00.000-08:00

I hate how cliches are always, well, cliche.
This is so true, isn't it?

For me, at least. Being in college makes me appreciate everything about home so much more: my parents, all my friends at home, going to the flea market every first saturday with M., walks home with C., just all those little things that maybe I took for granted would always be there. But some things will never be the same. That's ok though, because that just mean that there's new fond memories to be made. It's just scary to me that I might zone out and one day realize that I didn't fully appreciate my life.

I feel good though. I feel realigned, I feel on track, I feel happy.

"Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
And don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train"

Once in awhile, when it's good

It'll feel like it should

And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
Till you cry when you're driving away in the dark
Singing"
-John Mayer, Stop This Train

2009-02-04T23:39:00.001-08:00

I think the most wonderful part of life is when something that you are not looking for comes and hits you in the face. Not literally, of course. Just sayin'

Does this mean low expectations= happy life?

"Well if you're asking me a serious question, I'll tell you: I'm happy enough. I don't expect much, I don't give much, I don't get much I'm generally enjoy whatever comes up. That's my truth, summed up for your feminine judgment. I'm happy enough."
-The Waitress

ugh.

2009-02-03T00:20:00.000-08:00

Really gossip girl? really?

"This is madness...
No. This is constance"

Ok I'm going to back to studying for my midterm now.

hummm dee dum

2009-02-02T01:40:00.001-08:00

Today was a pretty good day
...because it was so ordinary

I woke up at two, procrastinated, sang to a guitar for a couple of hours, then studied for my midterm. I forget how therapeutic rhythm can be. A rhythm to life that is

I'm starting to miss cupertino again. home! But in a good way, in a it'll be sweeter when I actually go back home way. I'm becoming really used to everything, finally. Undecided if that is a good thing or not. I'm becoming ok with missing people, and not having what I thought I would have, etc. etc. Just getting used to life in general. I hope I'm actually adjusting to being okay with change, and not merely becoming desensitized to things. Hm.

I really like this song right now. again.
happy ending-mika

hey! everyone updated their blogs :)

DEATH CAB!

2009-01-27T16:14:00.000-08:00

who wants to come see with me??
tickets are on sale tomorrow :)

Maybe it's just my feverish mind.

2009-01-25T14:31:00.000-08:00

I was reading a book that A. lent me, Paper Towns by John Green and it led me on a bit of a thought train. I really like books and movies like that; the ones that keep you thinking and digesting long after the screen is off or the pages are closed.

Anyway, one of things that occupied the protagonist's mind is how we perceive other people, and how we can never really understand them completely because our perception of them will always be that; just a perception. Which is very true. Our realities are defined by our limitations.

Another thought: Why do we have this need for our significant other to be perfect, or if not perfect, at least more perfect than we are? Maybe it's just me that feels this way, but we're always looking for someone who says the right thing, acts the right way, caters to us. But we tend to accept our friends and our family rather unconditionally, so why is it different for romantic relationships? Again, maybe it is just me that feels this way, so in natespeak, please "feel free to call bullshit on this".

And something else that I was reflecting on yesterday: the pleasure of the journey rather than the destination. Is it a good or a bad thing? It's bad because then when we actually reach that destination, it might not be all that we built it up to be. But in another way, it's good because it is a focus on the present, and that is all our lives are, a series of nows influenced by thoughts of the future and memories..

Maybe our lives and our interactions are best explained in simple terms.
"This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath"
-On the Radio, Regina Spektor

boo.

2009-01-24T21:18:00.000-08:00

WAHH I'm sick.

I just want to curl up in my cozy bed and read a book and drink hot tea with honey.

I just did two massive loads of laundry. I love rolling around in warm laundry mmm.

okbye.

Paranoia

2009-01-21T12:21:00.000-08:00

Damn, this assassins game is making me really paranoid. I just walk around everywhere, hot pink water gun in hand, eying everyone suspiciously. Every couple seconds I twist around and stare behind me.

I think this game is supposed to promote a feeling of house togetherness or something. But it just makes me want to shoot people haha. And also, it's fun to see the little alliances pop up..

bang bang bang! I keel you.

2009-01-20T23:32:00.000-08:00

Oh, also, I changed my name on fb because we're playing paranoia in my house, which is basically assassins but with waterguns. SO don't question my name change to Grace Kim. ok? ok thanks

I just had a really epic battle with waterguns, alliances, and backstabbing in my house. AH YES. shooting people puts me in such a good mood. kekeke.

I'm in a kanye mood

2009-01-20T15:05:00.000-08:00

I had a really depressing dream
and I woke up feeling angry and sad.

Sometimes, I feel like it's one step forward, two steps back. But I think I know, also, that ultimately it will lead forward...

"And I might see you in my nightmares
Well, how did you get there?
Cause we were once a fairytale
But this is farewell, yeah"

Weekend update.

2009-01-20T01:39:00.000-08:00

So chery came to visit me! We had fun partying and wandering around la jolla late at night..cause we're bums like that. And when I went to drop her off, we ended up coming up with the idea that I should visit irvine. So we flipped a coin, and I called heads. AND IT WAS HEADS.

Taking that as a sign from the universe, I took a spontaneous trip to irvine with nothing but the clothes on my back and my purse. We went clubbing at a really nice club called v20 or something. It was fun, and I ran into an old friend that I hadn't seen for like a year, along with other mv people. Oh, mv, the gift that never stops giving. So. that night was fairly ridiculous, for many reasons.

there was only one part of my whole weekened that was like MEHHH and that was accidentally running into d. while leaving.. but that bores even me. So I'll save the venting for my journal, and leave you all.

peace,
I miss you guys

Live High

2009-01-13T16:59:00.000-08:00

Today was a good day

I can't remember when I was last this happy. Like simple happy. No strings attached, not trying to be happy happy. Yeah? It's the best feeling in the world.

Gorgeous.

"Just take it easy, and celebrate the malleable reality
You see nothing is ever as it seems
This life is but a dream"
-Jason Mraz

Greetings.

2009-01-13T01:32:00.000-08:00

HELLO!
I just wanted to say
thanks to all my friends, you guys know who you are

I love you guys, you keep me grounded and you remind me how to be me.

goodnight <3
sleep tight

Today is day one

2009-01-12T22:26:00.000-08:00

of the rest of my life. Just kidding, that would be melodramatic. Haha... no. Today is day one of my no sorrowful songs week. So far, it's having a better effect than I thought it would. I think I can only listen to sad songs for a brief period of time, otherwise it just makes me wallow more. So, I've made a "happy" playlist. It has all the good stuff like live high, the middle, kanye's workout song :) Just songs that alternatively make me want to dance or chill out. Have any happy songs you want to recommend to me? Because my list is rather sad (hah, I'm so funny). Send me happy songs people!

Anyway, I lost my train of thought because T. is sitting next to me choking on her capri sun because she is laughing about the thought of trimming K.'s nose hairs. I told her she is crazy. I told her that she needs to get out of our room. With love, of course. Always with love.

In other news, it's interesting how the whole gaza/israel fiasco/fighting (whatever you want to label it) is popping up everywhere; even on facebook. I see people writing about it in their statuses and whatnot. It's strange how relevant this all seems to me, because I'm taking a class about it and because I see people around me who are really passionate about it. A girl, we'll call her L., recently wrote a message to another girl on my floor, we'll call her Y., because Y. put up a link about gaza on her facebook status. L. wrote her a couple messages telling Y. that Y. disrespected her, wants her family to die, etc. etc. (background: L. is Jewish with a father in Israel right now and Y. is Palestinian). And another time, L. put information about it on her status, and a guy from her high school commented on it, saying that he was tired of people skewing information and taking the side of Israel, etc.

I don't really know what to think about all of this, because for me, it's not like I have a close personal stake in it; I don't have a father any family near the fighting. But I also feel like saying that is just an excuse for not having an opinion. But I just don't know if I know enough to know who's right or wrong, though I suppose not even other specialists and educated officials know enough either, otherwise they would have solved the conflict long ago.. And really, does it even matter who's right or wrong?

Hilarious update:
L. wrote on her status: sick and tired of hamas
and someone wrote under it: awww feel better
L. replied: I'm talking about Hamas, not my cold
HAHAHA I love the world.

ok chery, this is inspired by you.

2009-01-11T23:04:00.000-08:00

My roomates and I put up a giant tape calender on our wall so that we could post weekly goals.
So far, however, all that's on it is a flyer for a frat/sorority party at a club. I think I should have better goals than that sooooo. Here are my goals for this week!

1. don't listen to sad music for a week.
2. write in my journal every day. with illustrations, preferably :)
3. make my moleskine pretty!
4. either get a job or get work at a lab...

that is all.

I like these songs

2009-01-09T14:11:00.000-08:00

"Give me just a second and I'll be alright

Surely one more moment couldn't break my heart"

Gotta get through this (acoustic)- Daniel Bedingfield

"I can't take it any longer
I thought that we were stronger"
I Hate This Part-Pussycat Dolls

"But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
Sunday morning rain is falling and I'm calling out to you
Singing someday it'll bring me back to you
Find a way to bring myself home to you"

Sunday Morning- Maroon 5

2009-01-08T15:58:00.000-08:00

thank goodness it's thursday.

Hey baby, what's yo sign?

2009-01-07T13:34:00.000-08:00

I really like reading my horoscopes. Like I really really like them.

Now, I realize that astrology has no scientific, factual basis whatsoever. Any chance relevance to my life is probably just the astrology people skillfully writing vague horoscopes that anyone can relate to . After all, we are all human, and, for the most part, we all share a very similar experience. It's probably not that difficult to write something that most people are thinking about.

Nevertheless, reading my horoscope is always entertaining, and, once in awhile, the horoscope just seems so relevant to my life that it makes me consider something that I've been avoiding or realize something that I only subconsciously knew. And I think that is the value of horoscopes: that they can reiterate to you what you already know, but needed reminding of.

Plus, they're fun. :)
Go check yours out!

Food, foo!

2009-01-06T17:20:00.000-08:00

The thing that I hate most about college is definitely the dining hall food.
It's just so hit-and-miss. Sometimes it's good (the cornbread kicks ass!), but sometimes..

I walked into our dining hall, Sierra Summit, at 4:42 pm. I looked around at all the options: sandwhiches(which they have everyday), greasy wok noodles (which they have everyday), delicious and deep fried foods (which they have everyday), and the "healthy choice meal" (which is not always healthy).

Today, the healthy choice meal was either grilled fish or vegetable fajitas. I got the vegetable fajitas. She asked me what sides I wanted, and I said rice and beans. I watched as she piled grilled vegetables, beans, and rice onto my plate. Wait.

"Where's my tortilla?" I asked
"That's one of the sides" she replied. "That's why I asked you what sides you wanted".

I guess I was wrong in assuming that the fajita included the tortilla. At UCSD, no food is free. The rice and beans weren't bad, but the vegetables...It's like the dining services are run by a raw food enthusiast or something. Because what they do is chop the vegetables really coarsely, and then barely cook them. I'm sorry, but I'm just not a huge fan of eating red onions raw.

mmm barely cooked.

Now doesn't that just sound appetizing.

first day!

2009-01-05T18:18:00.000-08:00

I just came out of my first muir writing class, and let me just say that I am so excited to learn!

The class is on the U.S. perception of "Arabic" and "Middle Eastern" countries. For example, the whole "sweaty arab living in a cave" thing present in may movies (Ironman). We talked about the history of countries such as Israel and Iraq, and how the CIA has funded government overthrows and given weapons to Osama Bin Laden. It's interesting to learn about things like the Iran Contra Scandal and the Six Day War, which I've learned about in APUSH, but not in depth, and not connected to relevant events today. It's taught by David Najar and he is the most animated, exciting writing teacher that I've had in a long while, since back to the days of World Lit. and Hosmer.

I can tell that this class is going to actually teach me new things and challenge my perceptions in different ways. I'M SO EXCITED!

AND yesterday I went shopping and bought nothing. HAH! take that, consumer culture, take that. Though I almost cracked and bought a vs bra and a f21 black satin jumpsuit. haha, ohhh my shopping whims. They could have joined my other impulse purchases: sequined dress, 4-inch pink satin t-straps... haha good thing I did not though, I'm so proud of myself.

All in all, the quarter is looking good, and I feel on track and optimistic. Now to get a job...

Peace Love Unity Respect

defiance

2009-01-04T11:19:00.000-08:00

I listen to jack johnson, even though it reminds me of you.

on an unrelated note, I was eating from my costco sized jar of raw nuts and I definitely just bit into a twig. yuck.

I feel bright pink today
sunshine and mellow music makes me happy
I'm going to the beach!

Back to school, cool!

2009-01-02T23:21:00.000-08:00

2008 was a big year. It was our year, the year that huge changes happened and freedom from high school was finally achieved. Most of our lives up to that certain point had been planned out, plotted out, certain and sure. Now that we're in college, we're on our own for many things, and that is no small thing. But, however grown up and independent we feel now, sometimes it's easy to forget that we are still young and we still have so much more growth and change to go through. In fact, we won't ever really stop changing.

Things that I want to achieve, in no particular order:
1. Get a job
2. Get more involved: surf club, karate, photography, or sorority?
3. Travel abroad
4. Stop fb stalking people that I wouldn't talk to in real life
5. Be more decisive
6. Be ok with change and uncertainty
7. Be myself, as well as being ok with myself
8. Stop looking for things in life and just go with the flow.

Ok. That's pretty much it. Oh, and to be happy of course. :)

peace out, friends
until we meet at next quarter's end

2008-12-31T18:25:00.000-08:00

Well... 2009 is almost upon us.
It's been good, 2008.

but that was then, & this is now.
here's to a fresh start and a clean slate

horoscope for today

2008-12-28T15:42:00.001-08:00

aries:

Overview

After getting so much work done recently, you are feeling more grounded and focused regarding your future than ever before. Things that were too intimidating yesterday are not so bad right now and you can actually see a way around an obstacle for the first time in a long time. You're about to ride a serious wave of positive energy, so hang on! As the petty people squabble over petty things, you're able to rise above and spend your time on more productive things.

hooray!

2008-12-28T05:06:00.000-08:00

uhhh I don't know if I make good decisions
oh hwellll!

relax.

2008-12-26T05:11:00.000-08:00

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day I spent with family and family friends. And without my phone. I made spontaneous toffee and a Yule Log! Photos to come soon.

I dunno, I just feel sometimes that I'm too attached to my phone. (Of course, those of you who have called me to no avail might disagree, hah hah...). But it's just always there, always next to me in case somebody calls. Even when I sleep, it sleeps next to me. And as much as I love my phone, that annoys me. So sometimes, I just like to have a couple days where I don't pay attention to it. But then the missed calls do tend to build up. opps...

So I think I just saw my brother's light go off, which means that he is going to sleep right now. And I got up thirty minutes ago. Anddd I slept at 1:00. Which means that I slept for all of about 3 and a half hours? Oh messed up sleep schedules..

Well, contrary to the tone of my last post, I am enjoying my break. I’m just relaxing and de-stressing from everything that was worrying me last quarter: getting adjusted, studying for finals, friend issues, etc. It’s nice to have such easy access to so much food and craft supplies. If it’s one thing I miss about home, it’s the abundance of art supplies. Doing things with my hands and creating things is very therapeutic, and probably the first thing that I cut out of my life when it starts getting busy. That, and reading. So I’m catching up on those two things, and catching up with my family and friends. Oh! And I re-installed sims 2 on my computer. Hah… We’ll see how that affects my grades next quarter.

I'm actually feeling very happy right now, I don't know why. I have a general feeling of "it's ok, and if it's not, soon it will be". I'm kind of baffled at where this sudden optimism came from. It could be the fact that I'm sleep deprived, or because I ate so much food yesterday (sugar high?). Well, wherever it came from, I'm very grateful for it. I feel content. & at peace.

emotional at 4:20 am.

2008-12-23T04:14:00.000-08:00

Why is it that every time I see a photo of you somewhere I feel like I was just slapped in the face? Having fun with other people, leading on your life as if I was never there. Look-I know that's not true, I know that you're having just as hard of a time as I am. I know that you're not doing anything wrong, you're just trying to move on, just like me. But I can't help it, I can't think rationally about it. There's just something so sad to me about it. When I see photos, I feel like I should be there, and it makes me miss you so much. But I don't want to be sad. I refuse to be sad. I want to be empowered, and I want to be strong.
So instead I hide my sadness from myself and I listen to angry songs, to girl power, kelly clarkson songs. "I don't need you" songs.

Ahhhh this is so pathetic. I'm going to sleep now.

It's too ma-fan (read it in mandarin)

2008-12-09T02:07:00.000-08:00

After reading Naomi's post about romance, I feel inspired to write one of my own....

Is it bad that I'm always on the lookout for romance? Or love? Or maybe just potential?
I feel like sometimes, I overlook signs that someone is wrong for me. Is the optimism and hopeless romance that I continue with it anyway or is it just a sign that I'm bored? Either way, does it make a difference?

I was talking to my roommate the other day, about how we tend to get interested in guys, then when something actually happens, we backtrack and lose interest.

College has really made me assess how I look at relationships; at love. I think about it quite often, even though I tell myself that I should be happy just being single. I'm not unhappy with my life, but I think I'm happier with..an interest? Not really sure what I believe in anymore. True love? maybe? relationships? who knows. Everyone is so complicated, so doesn't putting them together just make a big mess?

No, I know that's not true. But still. I kind of feel like throwing up my hands and crying "It's too hard! Screw relationships! Fuck boys (not literally)! Where's my coincidental meeting with the love of my life? Where is my cute-meet story with a cute boy? Where is my obstacle-laden, (but ultimately successful) forbidden love story? I know, I know. Those are just stories. Silly romance stories. But hey, a girl can dream, right?

But whatever. life is life. It's not like anything particularly bad has happened to me. Even though I'm complaining, I know that I am very lucky to be blessed with a trustworthy and loving crowd of friends and family around me. This was just my 2:30 musing on life and love. Goodnight all! And good skills on those finals :)

2008-12-06T23:27:00.000-08:00

For some reason, I just realized yesterday that I don't have to be anything just because people expect me to be
and that me really really happy.
Almost as happy as seeing this picture makes me:

but not quite.
that is all,
now back to studying!

I'm tired

2008-12-05T10:11:00.000-08:00

almost noone on my floor slept yesterday
stupid muir 40 essay.

Also, I thought I was over it but I guess not.
that's cool, whatever.
I'm over being over it.

Remember when we used to tYpE lYk DiS?

2008-12-03T01:16:00.001-08:00

I really should be doing my homework, because it is quite late. But instead, I got suckered into reading all my old xanga posts. Ohhhh god how embarrassing it is to read. The immaturity, the preoccupation with trivial things. I suppose if I look back on this blog five, ten years later, it will all seem so silly.

An old post:

floatbuilding was fun

Me and Christine and Helena and Max were lying on Peach in a square. So helenas head was on my stomach and christines head was on helenas stomach and maxs head was on christines stomach and my head was on maxs stomach. We started laughing and then everyones head was bouncing up and down lol.

fear factor was also fun and i want to go again x]

Ahhhh high school freshman year...

Reading it made me sad though, because it was a time when we all pretty much got along. We hadn't formed negative conceptions of certain people. People weren't alienated from one another. Some of the comments that were left on my xanga posts definitely are from people that I haven't talked to in more than a couple years. Or that I used to talk to but now...? Some people I didn't even remember I used to be friends with.

Change, change, change...it seems like it's everywhere nowadays. But I guess that's only because we're in such a weird state of our lives. Really, change is always around us...

So in the spirit of nostalgia,

post a memory of me as a comment for this entry.
it can be anything you want.
maybe your first, maybe your favorite.
& post this to your journal and see what people remember of you.

>> I just realized, reading those old posts makes me feel optimistic about the present and the future. If I can change as much as I did and if I can get over all the silly little worries of the past, then I can definitely do it again. In fact, I'm definitely always doing it.. there's hope yet :)

Break & Change?

2008-12-01T19:40:00.000-08:00

So thanksgiving break was interesting. Honestly, I didn't sleep much so a lot of it is actually a blur for me. It was more a cram session to hang out with everyone that I wanted to before another separation. And...dynamics between everyone have changed a little? I think. I don't know what I think about that. I suppose change is inevitable, sooo. hm. It was really good actually getting to see everyone though!

Highlights: Shopping/spending lots and lots of money with m.,n., & of course c., my partner in crime :), going jewelry crazy with my mother, talking about life with the boys at hunter's point, last minute target escapade with c., and of course the lovely and unexpected car ride with n.

---------------------------------

When I got back I decorated my dorm room! Here are some of the exciting parts of the room:

our lovely lip light

The tree that I put up!

My fabulous desk

----------------------------------------

So I realized that I really like circles. I told my mom this, and her response was: "Well of course, you're Chinese" (this was said in chinese, of course). So apparently Chinese people really like circles? Along with the number 8 and the color red and whatnot..

two circle embellished bikinis, a circle laden top, two pairs of circular earrings, and a string-of-circles necklace

--------------------------------

I'm writing an essay for my writing class about redemption and forgiveness. Trying to finish the damn thing at 4:00 am yesterday, I was having a really hard time. I couldn't pinpoint what exactly I was trying to say in the paper, and I realized it is because I'm not sure what I feel about forgiveness and the capacity for people to change. I think, based on what I've experienced, people don't change. If you try to change people, you will be disappointed. Because while it is possible, it rarely happens. So. I don't know? Maybe I'm young to have such a jaded viewpoint. I think I'm just being realistic. Along with that, I also feel like most relationships are just a fight against the inevitable. Because everything comes to an end, right? But maybe that's ok. I guess it's all summed up by a quote from one of my favorite movies:

"I can't see anything that I don't like about you.

But you will! But you will. You know, you will think of things. And I'll get bored with you and feel trapped because that's what happens with me.

Okay.

[pauses] Okay. "

-Joel&Clementine, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Today is a yellowcard day

2008-11-24T20:04:00.000-08:00

I can tell that you don't know me anymore
It's easy to forget, sometimes we just forget
And being on this road is anything but sure
Maybe we'll forget, I hope we don't forget

----------------------------------

Now we've all grown up, gone on and moved away
Nothing I can do about it, nothing I can say
To bring us back to where we were when life was not this hard
Looking back it all just seems so far, so far away

wise words of yellowcard.

When I went shopping on saturday, I heard holiday music playing. Ahhhh I can't believe it's almost holiday season. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside keke. Also, it makes me feel anxious because I have not started christmas shopping yet O.O And. I need a job next quarter. yes.

I felt really tired today so I only went to 2/4 classes. Must stop sleeping so late..On an unrelated note, I like really long hot showers where I can think about life. Umm... I haven't been feeling very wordy lately. My journal has been filled with what I did kind of entries and not how I feel type of entries. I've been having fun on the weekends; going to the beach at night and going out clubbing with my fantastic suite of girls. It's strange how unpredictable the weekends are; almost none of what we end up doing is actually ever planned. But it always ends up working out.

my suite is teh best.

So... mmm that's been my life lately. Studying for midterms, having fun on the weekends, eating very late dinners and generally just enjoying life. I'm looking forward to going home, to feeling like none of us ever left. And seeing how everyone's changed as well... :)

see you all back home!

I am a vampire.

2008-11-22T16:28:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I watched the sun rise and then went to sleep.
I just woke up and the sun will set in about an hour.

ok real update will come later.

2008-11-18T19:24:00.000-08:00

I really miss everyone
really not much to say other than that.
just a moment of self-pity and nostalgia.

miss you-aaliyah
yellow-coldplay

APUSH forever.

2008-11-14T09:58:00.000-08:00

the longer I'm in college, the more I realize what good teachers I had at MV

my math teacher here isn't very good. I think he once spent a whole class going over the IVT and MVT, which mr. conlin could have done in 10 minutes. I went to class today, thinking there was a quiz, but there wasn't. So I left early and got a breakfast omelette. Hooray for lectures that don't matter...

And today in my Ancient Asian History Class, "The Great Tradition", we spent a big chunk of today discussing the importance of thesis statements and topic sentences. He talked about taking a stance, being specific, etc.. All of which were discussed by Mrs. Platt via her house analogy during a review session. When he was talking about the importance of taking a stance, I really really wanted to bust out Mrs. Platt's lopsided airplane analogy. But, it was 9:30 am and that is too early to be talking at all. Ah, how I miss Mrs. Platt. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't be able to churn out in class essays the way I can now.

So thanks, MV for giving me (academic) hell and stressing me out most of high school, because now I am scot free.

2008-11-13T18:25:00.001-08:00

My fortune cookie today:

"Avoid focusing on the negative
aspects of the past."
10 22 25 28 41 . 5

I love when the universe gives you little nudges like that. Oh, wisdom in a cookie.

I like lists. They make blogging (and life) easier.

2008-11-13T10:21:00.000-08:00

1. I miss photography.
2. My roomates and I dyed our hair! Mine is red hot.
3. Yesterday I spent two hours playing rock band. It makes me feel like I'm a superstar.
4. Today I had my second cogsci midterm
5. I better do well on my second cogsci midterm, because I got a c on my first one
6. Brita filters make water taste shitty.
7. I put soy sauce, siracha, and japanese spices into my ramen. excessive seasoning for the win!
8. I worked out in a gym for the first time on monday. Working out on those machines always made me feel like we're all just a bunch of hamsters on a wheel.
9. The number of couples in my suite is slowly dwindling. I think we're down to 3 from like 6 originally. It's kind of sad, actually.
10. I collect honest tea caps. So save yours and give them to me

P.S. I like Jason Mraz

"Hold your own
& know your name
& go your own way"

"Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all

Hearts will hold"

A non cohesive post, as it is thursday.

2008-11-06T19:20:00.000-08:00

HOORAY!

I got a package from C.C. today! Getting mail makes me feel loved.

The whole package

Tea biscuits & Black tea from lupicia

YAY! So anyway, moving on from that rather exciting package. Apparently my roomate's boyfriend and my other friend went to the same elementary school as meher. Because meher used to live socal or whatever..TRIPPPPPY. Can my two worlds not collide, please? But yeah, this weekend, I'm going home with T., one of my roomates. Lake Forest City! haha. And I get to see C. for like two hours too! I don't think I'm ready to face the possibility of seeing D. yet, because just thinking about it I was ready to cry. But yeah, I'm sooo excited to see her!! The weekend should be interesting...

Today I went to a meeting about study abroad. And now I want to study abroad! haha. I'm thinking either a semester or a year in..I don't know. Italy/Australia/New Zealand/UK/Spain? I don't know because there's so many options, and plus I don't know what my major is going to be yet. I'm contemplating cogsci because it's so interesting, or maybe some type of biology major, or then again law would be cool too. I do like to play devil's advocate and just argue in general. What can you guys see me as??

Random fact of the day: I learned today that gulls, apparently, are NOT black & white but are instead colored an intense ultraviolet that we as primates cannot percieve. Thank you cogsci for yet another interesting fact.

Things I am grateful for:
1. skype to connect with old friends 2. my new eyelash curler hurray! 3. free food 4. new friends with good taste in books 5. roomates that I get along with really well 6. my straightener/curler 7. color 8. Taking extremely long naps 9. baclava 10. love

Dreaming with a Broken Heart- Jason mraz
Be Like That- 3 Doors Down
What Would You Do- City High
currently reading: All Over Creation by Ruth Ozeki

moving on.

2008-11-03T12:22:00.000-08:00

Despite writing that whole internal happiness post yesterday, today I feel down.
I just kind of want everything to go back to the way it is, you know? I miss everyone, I miss everything the way it was. So carefree and eternal. But time only flows in one direction... so I'll get over it. Gotta move with the times, no? Sigh. I'm trying to be happy. So. keep smiling and eventually you'll feel happy? I don't know. I almost typed idk cause I say that so much. Gotta stop saying that..
Yesterday I talked to A. for the first time in awhile. It was really good to talk to her; she's so unapologetic about being HERSELF. She's so silly and... I guess I miss that. And it reminds me that I don't have to do things just to be social and just because it's easy. But it also made me miss my "old" life so much. I don't know...where does your old life end and your new one begin? I'm just rambling now, I just feel crappy and I don't know...

On a side note, my cogsci TA mentioned that memento was a good movie representation of memory and I was like YESSSS MOVIE CREW FTW. But only in my head, of course. On the outside I was just quiet because it is a 9:00 am class and at 9:00 am my brain has not woken up yet.

hey guys.
let's stay friends forever? and not lose touch or drift, or get mad at each other because we've changed, ok?
okbye.

details in the fabric-jason mraz
i'm gonna find another you-john mayer
put your records on-corrine bailey rae

Relationships.

2008-11-01T18:32:00.001-07:00

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one”

-C.S Lewis

All the change in my life lately has had me thinking about what makes me happy. When college first started, I was so thrown out of my element. My relationships mean the world to me, so my friends are definitely important, to say the least. I was pretty unsatisfied with the whole experience at the beginning, but I'm happy now. I've had people tell me before that you can't depend on anyone but yourself. I disagreed at the time, but, thinking about it, I understand what that could mean. You can't depend on anyone, anything outside of yourself to make you happy. You have to be happy and accepting about the way you are, because everything else is fleeting. That said, nobody can function of their own volition. We all need love and acceptance; that feeling of belonging. So, I guess the point is to love yourself and to love others.

I love you all, and I can't wait to be reunited during thanksgiving. I miss the physical presence of you guys... as much as I love skype, it's not the same.

p.s. I forgot who took that picture.

Gone, going.

2008-10-28T17:24:00.001-07:00

Today in cogsci, we had a lecture (given by Profesor Rafael Nunez) on how humans construe a spatial metaphor for time. It was really interesting, because for our culture, as for most around the world, we use phrases like moving "ahead" in time. And when we refer to the future, we gesticulate in front of us to indicate that the future is ahead of where we are now. But apparently, in Aymara culture (a group of indigenous peoples in the Andes of South America), when people refer to the future, they wave their hands behind themselves. So their future is associated with behind while the past is associated with ahead. It was postulated that this was because the future holds that which is unsure, that which you cannot see. Therefore, future=behind. Which actually makes a lot of sense...
I'm not really sure what this means about our culture. Does it mean that we are very goal-oriented, because we want to keep grabbing at what is ahead of us? Does it mean that we are more resistant to change and uncertainty because we are trying to keep what we don't know ahead of us?

If we don't change the direction we are headed, we will end up where we are going
-Chinese Proverb

2008-10-27T11:12:00.000-07:00

I'm getting really good at this not going to class thing
I will go to class. I will go to class. I will go to class. I will go to class.
goal: SLEEP EARLY!

Pancakes and Phallacies.

2008-10-22T15:28:00.000-07:00

"Dr. Jules Hilbert: Hell Harold, you could just eat nothing but pancakes if you wanted.

Harold Crick: What is wrong with you? Hey, I don't want to eat nothing but pancakes, I want to live! I mean, who in their right mind in a choice between pancakes and living chooses pancakes?

Dr. Jules Hilbert: Harold, if you pause to think, you'd realize that that answer is inextricably contingent upon the type of life being led... and, of course, the quality of the pancakes"

-Stranger than Fiction

"FORGET ABOUT GOD"- My philosophy-obsessed writing teacher during a thought experiment.

"It was a phallic cult. So the rock was a huge penis. If you guys want to worship penises, there's a longgggggg tradition of that"- My History Professor, during a discussion about the sun goddess Amaterasu

p.s. I realize that the photo is not pancakes, but of waffles. I couldn't find a picture of pancakes. Plus, waffles are so much better than pancakes. But that's a different discussion...

Fog and Sunshine

2008-10-21T11:26:00.000-07:00

Today (so far) has been a very good day.
I woke up very very early, walked in the amazing morning fog to my morning math class (wearing a sweater AND a trench. wow), took my cogsci midterm, & then was free as a bird. I love tuesdays.

So after I had breakfast, I felt like reading, so I bought Catch-22 and The Scarlet Letter. The guy at the register was amused, telling me that the books I was buying were such high school AP lit books. Then I browsed the farmer's market and bought some produce. I bought some flowers from this guy who spoke to me in spanish, and, startled, I responded back in spanish. He called me preciosa! haha THANK YOU LANUGAGE SKILLS! Senora coughlin would be proud.

While I was standing in the atm line, I saw a group of high schoolers getting off a shuttle. The teacher started talking to them, saying "OK GUYS. Everyone please gather 'round and listen. DO NOT wander off by yourself. Everyone must STICK IN PAIRS." Hearing that made me appreciate how much freedom I have in college. I can do whatever the hell I want, when I want & Everyday I meet new people. High school was one of the best times of my life thus far, and I miss it sometimes, but I value the excitement that independence offers much more than the safety and the rules of high school. Listening to the teacher's tone of voice as she talked to the high schoolers, I felt like she was talking to them as if they were children who, without her guidance, would be hopelessly lost... Did we once put up with that?

a good book, a spot in the sunshine, and a cup of tea.

2008-10-20T17:12:00.001-07:00

I just finished reading Tuesdays with Morrie. Wow. It is one of the most beautiful books I've ever read...
please read it. that is all.

"Love is the only rational act" -Levine.

2008-10-19T22:31:00.001-07:00

every song reminds me of him.
well.
better in time?
hah. hah....
-____-

I miss these days.

2008-10-19T19:10:00.000-07:00

don't hate me for posting this, chery <3

"I will not say, 'Do not weep', for not all tears are an evil"

2008-10-19T00:08:00.000-07:00

Today:

I'm so grateful for the friends that I have made here. I don't know what I would do without the bantering and the laughter.

I'm sad. and I'm scared of the future.
but I'm happy too, and excited for what is to come, for what could be.

I couldn't have asked for a sweeter farewell, I suppose.
D. and I walked along the beach, and we talked and we listened to the waves and we explored the tide pools. And it was comforting and bittersweet at the same time.

So, even though you probably will never read this, thank you for the memories. I didn't regret a single second spent with you; not now, not ever.

goodbye.

fidelity-regina spektor
all we are-one republic
you & I both-jason mraz
dancing in the moonlight-king harvest.

AHHHHH.

2008-10-17T19:29:00.000-07:00

I'm so pissed.
a;dlkjghskfsdjsdkjs;loakd;sofjasldk
ok.

I dislike facing reality. Instead, I listen to songs.

2008-10-14T12:01:00.000-07:00

hey jude- beatles
stop and stare- one republic
better in time- leona lewis
the remedy- jason mraz
happy ending- mika
in our bedroom after the war- stars

2008-10-14T00:38:00.000-07:00

you know when you know what it is what you have to do
but you don't want to say it
cause that means that you have to do it
...
I hate this.
I hate letting go
I hate not knowing
ok.
deep breath.

So my english teacher hates me and my roomate.

2008-10-08T19:20:00.000-07:00

Distance.

2008-10-06T10:06:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I can't be happy for someone because I'm jealous.
Sometimes I'm jealous because I'm selfish.
I'm selfish because I'm insecure.

When you're far away from someone (and by far I mean you can't just go see them on a whim) it's easier to concentrate on the absence. On the absence of their physical presence, on the absence of their smile, their touch, their comfort. On the absence of them in your life. And in concentrating on the absence, you focus on the negative and forget why you were happy with them in the first place. Today I remembered why I am with D. Because it makes me happy just imagining this weekend, when I will get to see him and hug him for the first time in two weeks. So, this is a post reminding myself to be less insecure, less selfish, less jealous, and less negative. This is a post reminding myself that I have happiness all around me and I just have to let myself see it.

The view from my building.

2008-10-02T21:36:00.000-07:00

oops.

2008-10-01T11:03:00.000-07:00

I didn't turn on my alarm
So I missed math class again.
I've gone to 1/3.
Oh well, not so stressed about it the second time.
I don't really learn anything in that class anyway...
I'll just stay home and do math homework!

jumping around with umbrellas.

2008-09-30T13:55:00.000-07:00

It rained yesterday. And there was a thunderstorm. Wtf. In San Diego?? Anyway, So I brought my umbrella out. And then I found a friend! So I took a picture with him. PIKA!

Today I had my first interesting college lecture! It was by Jeff Alman, "Language and the Brain". Wow... it was so fascinating. CogSci might actually be a field for me to consider... I tried to sign up to be a lab assistant with some other girls from my cogsci class, but sadly we will not be able to do it because of our non-existent gpas. The doctor working on the experiment was pretty amusing; not cause she tried to be but because she spoke with a korean accent, which made me think of chery and her JAMOCA ALMOND FUDGEEEEE boss. Haha... Also, the other lab assisstant hopefuls and I got lost on our way out of the psych lab building because there are no directions. But thankfully, we found some random irish sounding guy to point us in the right way.

I met my surf instructor from saturday at the skate shop today, and he remembered me but I didn't remember him. So then we introduced ourselves again.

Surf guy: Oh have you been surfing since saturday?
me: waht??
surf guy: ...
me: OH were you my instructor? You look different without the wetstuit thingy. "gesticulates wildly towards body to indicate wetsuit"
surf guy: yeah, my name is j______
me: hey I'm crystal.
me ten minutes later: damn I forgot his name.

I really need to work on that...

ohhhh, I'm in COLLEGE?!

2008-09-30T01:07:00.000-07:00

I think these past few days have been the hardest for me because I finally am starting to realize that THIS IS NOT SUMMER CAMP. I will not be going "home" in a couple of days. Go straight to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. And even if I did go home, nothing would be the same. Because the people I love are scattered everywhere, and without them, Cupertino just wouldn't be the same.

So I guess it's time to suck it up and start actually investing in relationships. :/ It'll be bittersweet I guess, to make friends and be secure and happy at college. But we all have to do it so, the sooner the better.

My new favorite quote:

"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift; thats why they call it the present."
-eleanor roosevelt

(Though I really just got it from sifu oogway)

2008-09-29T09:52:00.001-07:00

So today, I actually went to class !

Math 20A is ridiculously easy, it's fabulous. My professor is extremely young and has an australian accent. Apparently he's from princeton, which must mean that he's fairly intelligent. But all I hear when he talks is flight of the conchords. keke. I'm the rhymenocerous.....

Today is gossip girl, so I made my roomates dress up haha :D I miss chery and my dress up days, so I'm assuaging that pain by making everyone around me into dress up fiends. Also, there is a guy in my house that enjoys watching gg. I told him he's not allowed to watch with us unless he dresses up as well, but I don't think he's going to.

In my cogsci class I met a girl who has a sister and best friend at uci! so maybe we can be friends and travel together or something.

whatever.

2008-09-28T18:38:00.000-07:00

I feel so blahhhh today. I'm not even sure why. Everything is fine really, there's no reason for me to feel sad. But I feel so grey and cloudy. Like the skies outside...

I just feel tired of trying so hard to make friends. I miss the days that we could all just chill and hangout. Not so much trying involved.

& I feel lonely too. Everyday I meet new people but I still feel...unfulfilled about making friends that I can talk to and relate to. I called david about it and tried to talk to him but. I couldn't really express what I was feeling so the more I talked, the more sad and the more frustrated I got. So most of it was just sitting in silence on the phone. And also I feel like I don't want to tell him because I would be bringing down his mood, which is not what I'm trying to do. So. I don't know. Today I just feel unreasonably unhappy and selfish. That is all. goodbye.

rawrrrr.

2008-09-28T12:52:00.000-07:00

There has to be more to college than partying and drinking.
WHERE IS IT.
sigh.
Where are all the interesting people?

Huh.

2008-09-26T14:04:00.000-07:00

Whenever I meet someone "old", I wonder what they were like when they were my age.

Sad panda and Salt Water.

2008-09-25T17:33:00.000-07:00

Being in college... I'm not even sure how to describe how I feel. I guess this is partly due to the fact that I don't know how I feel about it. Part of me is so excited that everyday is an unknown and everyone for that fact. Well, minus the 60 MV people I see everyday haha... But I love all my friends and it just sucks that I can't be in their physical presence. I guess that's a luxury that I used to take for granted. The first few days I felt so void of an identity. I have no other way to describe it. I think it's because all the people that I'm hanging out with now have no idea who I am. Whatever I present to them is what they will see as me. They have no expecations of how I will act, of who I will be. It's good and bad I suppose. It leaves me floundering because I feel anchored by the relationships I have. But at the same time... it gives me oppurtunities to do whatever the hell I want.

Saying goodbye to everyone was harder than I expected... I thought that my tears were all done after graduation but... yeah. "I'm not crying" was my mantra on my last day.

My suitemates and roomates are all chill, and my triple is not as small as I envisioned. A. is super sweet and T.'s sense of humor meshes well with mine. So I'm extremely happy with my living arrangements. Of course, the freedom is also a big plus! I almost feel as if I'm in a mini sorority because we take these little beach trips and lunch together. It's kind of cute and it kind of makes me feel like I'm still in high school... On our first beach trip we all wore shorts and blue tops. Mmm... I feel as if we are all still feeling each other out though, and being extremely careful to be friendly. So I'm sort of waiting for school to become a routine so I can see everyone's real personalities.

I miss everyone.